柯南作為國民級喜劇名人 + 老牌校友受邀哈佛大學 2026屆本科生畢業典禮致辭，柯南美國傳奇深夜脫口秀主持人、喜劇編劇、哈佛1985屆本科畢業生（古典文學專業），正宗哈佛校友；常年深耕喜劇、綜藝、紀錄片，配音《玩具總動員 5》是演講當期宣傳節點。

以下為中文演講全文：

各位校董、院長、教職員工、校友、畢業生、家屬，各位榮譽學位獲得者、司法部探員，還有挨個遞送備忘錄的優步司機們：站在這群未來頂尖英才面前，我可以篤定地說，世上再也沒有比學士帽配學位袍更拉垮的穿搭了。

我們臺上這群人，活像《哈加德》里煉制魔藥的教授，這場面宛如德魯伊教徒的戒酒互助會。首先感謝加伯校長悉心陪伴本屆畢業生走完求學路，干得漂亮，真的很棒。

換作往常，我本該給你們全員 A+，但遵照哈佛即將落地的新規，我統一把所有人成績改成 C-。

相信我，這么做全是為了學校好。

我的發言會盡量簡短，畢竟麻省理工今天也辦畢業典禮，我得給你們留出十五分鐘先機去找工作。

河對岸那群理工呆子，根本想不到馬上就要被你們卷沒飯碗。

順帶一則小通知：典禮結束后，派拉塞爾俱樂部的龍舌蘭我全包，所有人都來！

直接推門進去，報我名字柯南就行，店家都通情達理。

站在這座氣派的百年紀念劇場里，我忽然冒出一個念頭：也就哈佛人，能把這片雜草叢生的破草坪叫作百年殿堂。瞧瞧這片庭院，放眼望去全是參差不齊的荒草。哈佛向來如此，能用五十美元價位的生僻詞，絕不選用五美元的通俗字眼。

能重回這個我上一次用上 “無疑問（queryless）” 這個詞的地方，實在榮幸。當年我就站在那邊的窗邊，找人打聽這個詞的釋義，好在答疑的是耶魯學子，不得不說耶魯學生學識過硬。

當然咱們不必刻意貶低其他常春藤院校，八所藤校里除了普林斯頓，剩下七所都稱得上頂尖學府，普林斯頓那群人屬實一言難盡。

站在這里，無數校園回憶涌上心頭，尤其是我心心念念的馬瑟宿舍樓。

馬瑟宿舍樓得名于哈佛前校長英克瑞斯?馬瑟，此人因參與塞勒姆獵巫審判臭名昭著；但凡你們去過別的宿舍樓住上一天就懂，當年的女巫們算是復仇成功了 —— 這樓丑得離譜。

恕我直言，干脆推倒重建算了。

玩笑歸玩笑，哈佛仍是美國建校最早、名望最高的高等學府，在座是建校以來第 375 屆畢業生。

1642 年首屆畢業班僅有 9 名學生，離譜的是，這九個人全靠世襲保送入學。全美沒有哪所大學，走出過更多諾獎得主，也沒有哪所培育過數量相當的白領罪犯。所以無論你們今后擇善而行或是誤入歧途，都出自全美最頂尖的一批人。

今日校方為十三所下屬學院授予榮譽，我向每一位師生致敬，自然也包括哈佛牙科學院。哈佛牙醫叮囑你 “漱口別吞咽” 時，都要用拉丁文授課。之前牙醫學院還調侃我，只要我專程致謝，就免費幫我做七年牙科護理。

為備好今天的致辭，我專程去教務辦公室打聽你們當下最關心的煩心事，得到的答案哭笑不得：洗衣免費后，大家一門心思鉆研洗衣服；吐槽食堂鮮莓供應不足；不滿部分食堂不提供熱早餐；更發愁肯尼迪學院停掉了免費咖啡。

倘若這就是你們最大的煩惱，我屬實無語，這些牢騷放在野外，連棕熊抱怨野果不夠吃都比你們格局大。

在繼續演講前，有件事不得不提：求學數年里，你們聽了無數年長白人男性授課；好不容易熬到畢業離校，哈佛偏要補上最后一課 —— 又找來一個老白男。我畢業距今四十一年，膚色白得離譜，背光站著都能看清顴骨輪廓。

雖說年紀偏大、膚色發白，但我有幸躋身歷屆哈佛演講嘉賓之列：諾獎得主、各國元首、民權領袖都曾站上這個講臺。

前輩們功績斐然，但全天下只有我，為皮克斯《玩具總動員 5》配音了一款名叫 “小聰明” 的如廁訓練玩偶，影片 6 月 19 日全球上映。丘吉爾可沒這履歷，默克爾倒是試鏡過，可惜試映結果顯示她長相會嚇壞小朋友。

我四十年前畢業，但你們的校園生活和 1981 年的我別無二致。當年我給宿舍座機接超長電話線，一邊和好友聊《霹靂游俠》，一邊煮便當；也曾因為忙著給史密斯科羅納打字機購置游戲卡帶，弄丟吃豆人排行榜名次。我們被跨越時代的共同回憶緊緊聯結。

我清楚當下你們正遭遇前所未有的難題，人工智能便是其一。不過萬幸，AI 在哈佛掀不起風浪：教授們靠著同款 AI 批改軟件，輕松揪出論文代寫作弊的學生，供需閉環完美自洽。

別焦慮，AI 取代不了你們，它們忙著淘汰普林斯頓出來的那群家伙呢。

眼下哈佛面臨一大難題：美國聯邦政府正起訴本校。很多人以為我今天是來為哈佛辯護，可惜要讓各位失望了，我非但不反對訴訟，還要正式宣布：我也要起訴哈佛！

我要起訴哈佛，索賠大一入學那架鑄鐵鐵架床，這床嚴苛到被海牙國際法庭收錄為酷刑器具；

起訴哈佛不合理排課，上午九點的課在科學中心，十點的課卻要橫穿校園去士兵運動場上課，當年我還是個孩子；

起訴哈佛毀掉我不盡人意的本科感情生活，就因為宿舍只裝一面鏡子，想三人約會都要額外添置鏡子；

起訴哈佛，當年被迫聽哈佛鱷魚合唱團花八分鐘改編《Splish Splash》，每位成員輪流獨唱，折磨到我只想泡澡避難；

最后一條控訴絕對屬實：大二春天我去亞當斯樓吃午飯，菜單上有道 “本船長魚肉意面”，時至今日我都搞不懂本船長是誰，更想不通為什么有人能把軍用鱈魚和意面混在一起。哈佛，咱們法庭見！

我自認我的起訴理由，比美國總統提起的訴訟更站得住腳。

現任政府覺得哈佛招收太多國際生，這話似乎不無道理。可仔細想想，外來移民為美國文明帶來了什么？音樂、文學、美術、美食、時裝、建筑、舞蹈、科研突破，乃至整個美國的道德根基，全都離不開外來者。

說真的，要是沒有外來文明融入，我們如今只能聽乏味的加爾文雷鬼樂、吃英國國教風味燉菜、跳路德教派禁忌又奔放的倫巴舞。

當然，我來不只是為了拿母校開玩笑，雖說開玩笑確實是主要目的，但我發自內心深愛哈佛，它徹底改寫了我的人生。

當年我告訴臥病在床、一輩子無緣大學的奶奶，我被哈佛錄取時，她喜極而泣，那是我此生最幸福的瞬間。順帶一提，我當時一屁股坐到了她腿上，她落淚一半是疼，一半是欣喜。

1985 年我坐在臺下參加自己的畢業典禮，我真切體會你們寒窗苦讀換來畢業的喜悅，你們完全值得為此驕傲。

當年我滿心期盼，哈佛學歷能成為別人認識我的第一標簽；歷經歲月浮沉后，我反倒樂于讓哈佛變成旁人最后才想起的標簽。

這話絕非貶低哈佛，名校光環向來是一把雙刃劍。我早年主持深夜脫口秀時沒有互聯網，大眾提起柯南?奧布萊恩，第一印象永遠是哈佛畢業生。這個標簽放在哲學家、物理學家身上是加分項，但對喜劇演員堪稱噩耗。觀眾一度調侃我的節目全名該叫《深夜秀：這人自認高人一等》，可惜名字太長印不下宣傳 T 恤。

數十年過去，如今沒人再一聽見我的名字就聯想到哈佛。我產出上萬小時喜劇內容，沒有半點精英名校的影子：上《辣口挑戰》把辣醬抹在乳頭、和凱文?哈特上街買大麻、在美國女孩玩偶商店喝到酩酊大醉，成名前各類出格的事我全做過，如今還要化身皮克斯的如廁玩偶。

在座有人會疑惑：這都是喜劇人的經歷，和我有什么關系？打住，我還在演講！

每個人的際遇各不相同，但我悟出：一紙哈佛文憑帶來的成就，唯有恪守三條人生準則，才能褪去光環束縛，活出真正的價值。

第一，永遠銘記，所有成就從不是一己之功。惠特曼寫過 “我包羅萬象”，我頂多隨身裝著三明治與咖啡，但我所有的成績，離不開一整車數不清的貴人相助。如果把所有幫助過我的在世之人、已故之人請到現場，整個劍橋市區、半個奧斯汀都會擠滿親友、編劇、制片、黑粉、粉絲，以及無數萍水相逢的過客。

認清成就不屬于獨自所有，既能讓人常懷謙遜，遇事出錯時，也能合理分攤責任。

第二條人生箴言：學會及時變通。我的職業生涯一路不斷修正方向，人生軌跡彎彎曲曲、幾經轉折。我曾痛失視作畢生歸宿的工作，沒過多久，我深耕半生的深夜電視行業整體業態崩塌。聽從摯友建議，我從零做起開發播客，靠著嘉賓、搭檔和嗜好吃軟糖的助理，打造出一檔熱愛程度不亞于老牌深夜秀的作品。常年隨機應變，讓我徹底愛上變通，以至于我日常聊天、畢業典禮致辭總把 “變通” 掛在嘴邊。

第三，正視運氣在人生里的分量。刻意無視運氣對成功的加持，本質是自欺。太多人把好運當成自身天賦出眾，克制這份人性弱點，才讓我守住清醒。

常懷同理心、擁抱意外際遇、堅守謙卑之心，造就了我豐盈的人生，這份富足遠勝過一紙文憑。我不是勸各位舍棄過往成就，而是學著消化光環：看淡過往榮光，善良、創意、勇氣、幽默與人性，才有生長的空間。

我二十四年走遍各國拍攝旅行紀錄片，從古巴、加納、韓國、亞美尼亞、大半個歐洲，到阿根廷、泰國、墨西哥、格陵蘭島，在格陵蘭我甚至沖進房產中介，揚言要買下整座島嶼。身處異國、語言不通時，沒人在乎你的名校出身，你只能放下身段主動交友。旅行教會我最重要的一課：坦然接受自己事事笨拙。

我在全世界各個國家跳過蹩腳的舞蹈，當地人開懷大笑，原來每個民族家里，都少不了一個舞技糟糕的親友。謙卑偶爾會變成當眾出糗，但出糗同樣是寶貴財富。三周前在阿姆斯特丹，我扮成梵高闖進梵高博物館，當眾索要周邊分成，控訴自己生前一分錢稿費沒賺到，最后被安保架走，被全場游客取笑，可所有人臉上都是笑意，沒有一人脫口而出：“這人可是哈佛畢業生。”

在東京拜師學習日式禮儀，禮儀老師直言我不合她審美，理由只有三個字：長相差；受邀前往加納阿散蒂王室，卻被太后趕出王宮，只因她追的肥皂劇要開播了。

當下推崇自大自戀，宣揚共情是軟弱、本國獨霸天下，在這樣的時代倡導謙遜與人聯結，實在不合潮流。我們兜里的智能手機算法，不斷吹捧獨一無二的自我，人人困在自我的小世界里。打破孤島的解藥很簡單：放下名校頭銜帶來的優越感，我們才能真誠靠近彼此，不為刻意標榜高尚，只為收獲歡笑、愛意與成長。

我也日日和自負博弈：此刻站在臺上，披著中世紀教皇風禮服、收下本不該憑空得來的榮譽博士學位，轉頭勸你們看淡功名，聽著著實雙標。我的節目名稱全以我本人冠名：《柯南深夜秀》《柯南今夜秀》《柯南秀》《柯南缺個朋友》《柯南必須走人》，我還曾極力想把今天的畢業典禮冠名《柯南主持哈佛畢業大典，主演：柯南?奧布萊恩》。

明明嘴上勸大家看淡榮譽，拿到博士頭銜我卻一秒都沒想過推辭。我的外公初二輟學養家，在馬薩諸塞西部當交警，他的人生信條是：到手的好處全收下，有機會再多薅一點。這位老人也是我人生貴人之一，為了紀念他，我坦然收下榮譽博士，順便問問加伯校長，學位能不能順帶折現。

我和在座各位一樣，仍在終身成長。但今天分享的人生信條，實實在在豐富了我的人生。

我的祝愿不是讓哈佛變成別人最后想起你的標簽，而是讓哈佛成為最無關緊要的標簽。

真正的教育從畢業這一刻啟程：在新老朋友的陪伴里，在高光成功與慘痛挫敗中，學著接納：你的不凡，恰恰源于人生的一地雞毛，而非擺脫瑣碎。

由衷祝賀 2026 屆全體畢業生！

不為這一紙畢業證書，為你們的汗水、毅力、善良，以及你們正在、未來即將構筑的廣闊人際。

愿我們帶著這份初心一路前行，別忘了 6 月 19 日走進影院觀看《玩具總動員 5》。謝謝大家！

英文全文：

Conan O’Brien Harvard Commencement Speech (Revised & Polished English Version, fixed typos/original misspellings, retains original casual speech & jokes)

Good morning, trustees, deans, faculty, alumni, graduating students, families, my fellow honorary degree recipients, Department of Justice agents, and every Uber driver out there dropping off memos. Looking out at this crowd of tomorrow’s greatest minds, I can confidently say there is no less flattering outfit than cap and gown.

We all look like potion professors straight out of some dark fantasy up here on this stage; this whole event feels like an AA meeting for druids. I want to thank President Garber for his incredible stewardship of this graduating class. Fantastic job, really nice work.

Normally I would hand all of you an A-plus, but in keeping with Harvard’s upcoming policy changes, I’m adjusting every single grade down to a C-minus.Trust me, it’s for the good of the school.

I’ll keep my remarks brief, because MIT’s commencement falls on the exact same day, and I want to give you a fifteen-minute head start on your job hunt.Those nerds down by the river won’t know what’s coming for them.

A quick side announcement: after the ceremony, tequila shots are on me over at the Piscellian Club. Everyone’s invited! Just walk right in, give them my name—Conan—and they’ll let you in. They’re an understanding bunch.

Standing here inside this beautiful Centenary Theatre, one thought immediately strikes me.Only a Harvard institution could call this patchy, scraggly stretch of lawn a Centenary Theatre.Just look at this uneven yard full of ragged grass all around us. Leave it to Harvard: why use a five-dollar word when an overpriced fifty-dollar synonym exists?

It’s wonderful to be back at the very last place I ever used the obscure word “queryless” in a sentence.Right over there near that big bay window, I once asked someone what the term meant.Luckily the person knew the definition, and they turned out to be a Yale student. Those Yale folks are sharp, I’ll admit.

Now let’s not unfairly denigrate our peer Ivy League schools. Let’s be honest: all seven other Ivies are worthy institutions—except Princeton. Those Princeton people are absolute tools.

As I stand on this stage, so many warm memories of this campus flood my mind, especially my beloved Mather House.Mather House was named after Increase Mather, an early Harvard president infamous for his role in the Salem Witch Trials. Anyone who’s spent more than an hour living in any other dorm will tell you the accused witches definitely got their revenge—this building is genuinely ugly.I’m sorry, but tear it down and start over.

We joke around about our alma mater all we want, but Harvard remains America’s oldest and most prestigious center of higher education, and you make up our 375th graduating class today.

Did you know Harvard’s very first graduating class back in 1642 had only nine students? Somehow, every single one of those nine was a legacy admit. No other university in this country has produced more Nobel laureates or high-profile white-collar criminals.Whether you go on to do great good or questionable evil in life, rest assured you’re among the very best educated people anywhere.

Harvard honors thirteen distinguished constituent schools today, and I salute every single one of them—including, of course, the Harvard School of Dental Medicine. Let me tell you, when Harvard’s dental professors tell you “rinse and spit,” they deliver that line entirely in Latin. The dental school promised me free dental care for seven full years if I gave them a shoutout today, so here we are.

I took today’s speaking duty seriously. To prepare for this address, I reached out to the provost’s office to learn your biggest concerns, and what I found was ridiculous: you’re obsessed with free campus laundry after the university waived fees; you complain about limited fresh berry stock at dining halls; you’re upset some dining locations skip hot breakfast; and you’re alarmed the Kennedy School cut free complimentary coffee.

If these truly are your biggest grievances, you sicken me. Half these complaints sound like something a hungry brown bear would grumble about over missing wild berries.

Before I continue, one important observation: you’ve spent your entire academic career being lectured to by countless older white men. Now, minutes away from walking out the door with your degree, Harvard says “not so fast”—we’ve tracked down one more. I graduated forty-one years ago; I’m not just white, I’m shockingly pale. You can practically see my bones if I step into indirect sunlight.

I may be old and fair-skinned, but I fit right in with the long list of Nobel Prize winners, heads of state and civil rights icons who’ve delivered this commencement speech over the decades.

All those past speakers accomplished historic things, but I’m the only one among them voicing a talking potty-training toy called Smarty Pants in the upcoming Toy Story 5, hitting theaters worldwide June 19. Would Winston Churchill ever pull that off? Absolutely not. Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel auditioned for the role, but test audiences said she terrified small children.

I graduated forty years back, yet your campus experience isn’t all that different from my 1981 college days. Like you, I had to run an extra-long cord on my dorm telephone so I could cook microwave meals while chatting with friends about Mr. T. Like you, I know the agony of dropping down the Ms. Pac-Man leaderboard because I was too busy buying new ribbon cartridges for my Smith-Corona typewriter. These little shared quirks bind our generations together.

I fully understand the unprecedented challenges your cohort faces today, AI chief among them. Fortunately, AI is barely a hassle here at Harvard. Professors easily spot student AI cheating thanks to the same advanced AI grading software they use to mark essays. Everything balances out neatly.

And don’t panic: trust me when I say artificial intelligence will never replace you. It’ll be far too busy replacing graduates coming out of Princeton anyway.

Arguably Harvard’s biggest ongoing issue right now is the United States federal government suing the university. Plenty assumed I came here to defend Harvard in court, but they’re wrong. Not only do I have no intention of defending against these lawsuits, I’m officially joining them: I’m suing Harvard too.

I’m suing Harvard over the cast-iron bunk bed waiting for me freshman year at age sixteen, a bed so brutally uncomfortable it’s been seized by The Hague as an instrument of cruel and unusual punishment.I’m suing Harvard for scheduling a 9 a.m. class at the Science Center and a 10 a.m. class all the way across campus at Soldiers Field; I was just a kid back then!I’m suing Harvard for my underwhelming undergraduate dating life, all because my dorm only installed one single mirror and I needed a second to pull off group hangouts.I’m suing Harvard after enduring an eight-minute cover of Splish Splash performed by the Harvard Krokodiloes, with every member taking an unskippable solo; I fled straight to take a bath afterward out of suffering.Last, and this part is 100% true: during my sophomore spring, I grabbed lunch at Adams House and was served a menu item named Captain Ben’s Fish Spaghetti. To this day I have no clue who Captain Ben is, nor why anyone would mix government-issued cod with spaghetti. Harvard, I’ll see you all in court.

I firmly believe my lawsuit holds more legal merit than the sitting U.S. president’s ongoing litigation against the school.

The current administration claims Harvard admits far too many international students, and some might think they have a point. But stop to ask: what have foreign-born people ever contributed to American culture?Well there’s music, literature, fine art, cuisine, fashion, architecture, dance, groundbreaking scientific discovery, and the core foundations of our national moral code—basically everything that makes our country unique.

Honestly, without outside cultural influence flooding in, we’d all be listening to dull Calvinist reggae, eating bland Anglican stew, and dancing the forbidden, provocative Lutheran Lambada right now.

Make no mistake: I didn’t travel here solely to crack jokes about my alma mater. Okay, joking was my primary motivation, but I truly love this university; it completely changed my life.

I once told my bedridden grandmother, a woman who never got the chance to attend college, that I’d been accepted to Harvard, and watching her burst into happy tears ranks as one of my happiest memories. For context, I accidentally sat directly on her leg mid-conversation, so half her tears were from pain, half pure joy.

I sat exactly where you do now for my own commencement back in 1985, so I genuinely comprehend how much relentless hard work it took for each of you to reach graduation day. You deserve immense pride, just like I felt all those years ago.

On my commencement day, I hoped my Harvard diploma would be the first thing people associated with my name. After decades in entertainment, I’m perfectly fine with Harvard being the very last detail people mention about me.

This is in no way an insult to Harvard; prestigious credentials, no matter how hard-earned, are always a double-edged sword. When I started hosting late-night television before the internet existed, the only public fact anyone knew about Conan O’Brien was my Harvard background. That reputation works wonders for philosophers or physicists, but it’s a death sentence for a working comedian. Viewers joked my show should’ve been titled Late Night with the Guy Who Thinks He’s Better Than You, yet the title was too long to fit on merch shirts.

Decades later, Harvard rarely crosses anyone’s mind when they hear my name. I’ve produced tens of thousands of hours of comedy content, none of which screams elite Ivy League schooling. I’m the guy who ate super-hot sauce on his nipples for Hot Ones, shopped for cannabis alongside Kevin Hart, got blackout drunk inside an American Girl doll store, and pulled countless absurd stunts long before signing on to voice a Pixar potty-training toy.

Some of you might think, “That’s all fine for a comedian, Conan—how does this apply to my future?” Hold your interruptions; I’m still delivering a commencement address!

Your individual paths will differ from mine, yet I’ve learned any standout milestone like a Harvard degree softens in meaningful importance once you live by three core life principles.

First: constantly remind yourself you accomplish nothing entirely alone. Walt Whitman wrote “I contain multitudes”; I contain a breakfast sandwich and good coffee from a local café, but every win I’ve earned comes thanks to an endless cast of people. If I could invite every living and deceased person who helped get me onto this commencement stage today, all of Cambridge and half of Austin would be packed shoulder-to-shoulder with family, friends, writers, producers, critics, fans and millions of random strangers I’ve crossed paths with.

Acknowledging success is collaborative keeps me grounded, and it also lets me split the blame evenly whenever things go wrong.

Second vital lesson: learn to pivot fast. My career has forced constant course correction; my professional path is a tangled mess of unexpected twists and turns. I once lost a dream job I’d poured my heart into, then watched the entire late-night television format I’d dedicated my career to slowly vanish from mainstream media. On a trusted friend’s advice, I built a podcast from scratch. With help from guests, creative partners and an assistant obsessed with gummy candy, I built a show I love just as much, if not more, than my old late-night program. I’ve pivoted so many times I’ve grown fond of the word, overusing it in casual chats and graduation speeches alike.

Third: always acknowledge how massive a role pure luck plays in every person’s success. Refusing to recognize good fortune is just willful ignorance. Far too many people confuse a lucky break with unmatched personal genius, and fighting that human bias keeps me humble and sane.

Genuine community, spontaneous adventure and consistent humility built a richer life for me than any university diploma ever could. I’m not urging you to reject your achievements outright—instead, learn to metabolize them. Carry your victories lightly, and space opens up for kindness, creativity, bravery, humor and humanity to grow.

I picked up some of my best life lessons across twenty-four years of international travel for my documentary series. I’ve humiliated myself in Cuba, Ghana, South Korea, Armenia, most of Europe, Argentina, Thailand, Mexico and Greenland—where I once wandered into a local real estate office and tried to purchase the entire island.

When traveling abroad without fluency in the local language, nobody cares which college you attended, forcing you to connect with people honestly. That’s where I learned to embrace being bad at new things.

I’ve danced terribly in every single country I’ve visited, and locals laugh warmly because every family worldwide counts at least one terrible dancer among their relatives. Humility often tips into public embarrassment on these trips, and embarrassment turns out to be an incredibly valuable life tool. Three weeks ago in Amsterdam, I dressed as Vincent van Gogh, marched into the Van Gogh Museum and loudly demanded royalty payments for merchandise, complaining I earned zero money during my lifetime. Museum security dragged me out, tourists mocked my silly stunt, yet everyone smiled—not a single person said, “Look, that Harvard graduate made a fool of himself.”

In Tokyo, I took Japanese etiquette lessons; my instructor flat-out said I wasn’t her type, and when I asked why, she simply replied, “Your face.” In Ghana, after accepting a royal palace invitation, the Queen Mother kicked me out of the Asante Palace because her favorite soap opera was starting.

I advocate modesty and human connection in an era that actively rejects those values. Our national leadership in Washington frames empathy as weakness and preaches American exceptionalism and isolationism. Add in the smartphone in every pocket: algorithm feeds are engineered to glorify only you, casting each person as the sole hero of their personal life journey.

Countless articles detail how isolated we’ve grown into personal bubbles, but the fix is straightforward: downplay your standout credentials—your fancy Harvard degree in your case—and you’ll finally connect with real people. This isn’t empty virtue-signaling; it’s the path toward more laughter, love and meaningful growth.

I struggle daily against my own vanity. It’s deeply ironic I stand here dressed in robes resembling a 12th-century Pope, accepting an honorary doctorate I never earned, while telling all of you to set aside status and accolades. Unsurprisingly, I have an enormous ego: just look at my show titles: Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, Conan, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, Conan Must Go. I fought hard to rename today’s ceremony Conan O’Brien Presents: Harvard Commencement Starring Conan O’Brien.

Given all that ego, did I pause for even a second to decline this honorary doctorate after lecturing you to dismiss prestige? Did I tell President Garber my achievements belong to others and turn down the award? Not for one single second.

My grandfather, nicknamed Coofer, dropped out of seventh grade to financially support his family and worked as a traffic cop in western Massachusetts. His lifelong motto was simple: “Take whatever you’re offered, then ask for more.” He’s a core member of my big “multitude crew” of people who shaped me, and in his honor I’ll happily grab this doctorate and immediately ask President Garber if it comes with a cash payout.

Like every single one of you, I’m still a perpetual work in progress. Still, the values I’ve shared today have dramatically enriched my life.

So my wish for you isn’t that Harvard becomes the last thing people know about you, but that Harvard becomes the least important detail on your life resume. Your true education begins right now: through friends you’ve made and friends you haven’t met yet, through soaring successes and crushing defeats, and through humbly accepting your greatness stems directly from life’s messy, unpredictable chaos—not in spite of it.

From the bottom of my heart, congratulations, Class of 2026. I celebrate you not for the piece of paper you receive today, but for your relentless grit, your humanity, and the boundless communities you’ve built and will keep building in the years ahead.

Let’s commit today to walk forward together—and remember to watch Toy Story 5 in theaters starting June 19. Thank you!

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