文筆好不好，只讀一小段：馮內古特的黑色幽默

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加拿大英文教練（原溫哥華英文教練），致力于地道英文表達

庫爾特?馮內古特（Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007）是當代美國著名作家，以其黑色幽默的寫作風格聞名。他的代表作《五號屠宰場 Slaughterhouse Five》以一個半玄幻半寫實的手法，講述了一個二戰末期德國德萊斯頓大轟炸幸存者的故事，由于此前他就被囚禁在那里，所以這本書也被認為是他的半個自傳體小說。

這里，我們選讀書中的一段，來品味一下他的黑暗料理。這一段寫了一個半吊子作家Trout和一個叫Maggie的bimbo （an attractive but stupid young woman）之間的一段對話，話題是從Trout 寫過的最有名的作品說起。

The adulation that Trout was receiving, mindless and illiterate as it was, affected Trout like marijuana. He was happy and loud and impudent.

“I’m afraid I don’t read as much as I ought to,” said Maggie.

“We’re all afraid of something,” Trout replied. “I’m afraid of cancer and rats and Doberman pinschers.”

“I should know, but I don’t, so I have to ask,” said Maggie, “what’s most famous thing you ever wrote?”

“It was about a funeral for a great French chef.”

“That sounds interesting.”

“All the great chefs in the world are there. It’s a beautiful ceremony.” Trout was making this up as he went along. “Just before the casket is closed, the mourners sprinkle parsley and paprika on the deceased.” So it goes.

“Did that really happen?” said Maggie White. She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn’t had even one baby yet. She used birth control.

“Of course it happened,” Trout told her. “If I wrote something that hadn’t really happened, and I tried to sell it, I could go to jail. That’s fraud.”

Maggie believed him. “I’d never thought about that before.”

“Think about it now.”

“It’s like advertising. You have to tell the truth in advertising, or you get in trouble.”

“Exactly. The same body of law applies.”

“Do you think you might put us in a book sometime?”

“I put everything that happens to me in books.”

“I guess I better be careful what I say.”

“That’s right. And I’m not the only one who’s listening. God is listening, too. And on Judgement Day he’s going to tell you all the things you said and did. If it turns out they’re bad things instead of good things, that’s too bad for you, because you’ll burn forever and ever. The burning never stops hurting.”

Poor Maggie turned gray. She believed that, too, and was petrified.

Kilgore Trout laughed uproariously. A salmon egg flew out of his mouth and landed in Maggie’s cleavage.

這一段看上去平淡無奇，不過是個不得志的中年油膩文藝大叔和一個無腦的美女之間的扯閑篇。有些難得，文藝大叔在得到人們的贊許之后漸漸飄了起來，開始跟美女吹噓自己那本不存在的作品：在一個大廚的葬禮上，世界上的著名廚子都來了，在蓋上棺材盒子之前，廚子們向死去的大廚拋撒歐芹和紅辣椒粉。這故事一聽就是段子，可美女當真了。

順帶的，馮內古特把無腦美女描述了一番：She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn’t had even one baby yet. She used birth control.就這短短的幾句讓人忍俊不禁，一個bimbo躍然紙上。厲害的家伙就是這樣，他們不動聲色地、不帶臟字地就把人給糟踐了。

兩人的話題就從剛才那個故事的真實與否繼續下去：美女將信將疑，而文藝大叔既然編故事，干脆就借著酒勁把故事繼續編下去，他哄騙美女說，自己講的都是真實的故事。美女說，就像打廣告，一定要講實情，否則就會有麻煩。地球人都知道，“廣告廣告，廣廣來告”（廣廣是我們四川人的俗話，意思是傻子），可美女還一個勁兒地相信廣告。然后，美女問大叔，你會不會把我們也寫到你的書里面啊？大叔說，我會的。美女說，那我可要小心跟你說話了。大叔說，當然要小心啊，除了我倆，上帝也在一旁聽著呢。到了審判日那天，他會一五一十地把你說過、做過的事情給你拉清單，如果你搞的都是壞事兒，會被火燒的，一直燒一直燒。

這可把美女嚇壞了，而文藝大叔一陣壞笑，連一顆吃進嘴里的三文魚籽都噴出來，穩穩地落在美女的cleavage上了。

黑色幽默常常是一本正經的扯淡，隨便拿起一個話題就扯下去，扯得天荒地老的樣子。

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